Well, I've been back in Portland for a week now.

My stay in Columbia was fine. Admittedly, I was pretty ready to get back to Portland pretty early in my trip, but seeing all my friends and family made my trip very nice. I appreciated seeing everyone and those that treated me to a drink and/or a meal. Is these aspects that I miss terribly, and nothing else in what could be called a retched town. Blah.

Christmas was nice. I was in St. Louis with my brother for a couple days. We had, as we usually do, a really great life conversation. I find it weird that he's much more willing to open up to me as opposed to my mom or dad. He's always been like that; very closed up and reserved, whereas I spill my guts to my folks without the bat of an eyelash. But to each is own. Scott is a really great person and even though we rarely speak, whenever we do it's as if we speak everyday.

New Year's wasn't anything to hoot and holler about. Is it ever? Maybe I'm going to the wrong parties.

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So I'm back at school. I'm taking a really weird schedule this term. I don't like it. I have a few night classes and my other classes are spread out rather strangely. And I'm only taking one design class, the rest are gen ed or art. Best to get them out of the way I suppose. Photography should be fun. I guess I really don't have much to say about the term yet. Last week was the first week circus; drawing should suck, creative writing seems all right, digital layout and design has promise, math will be awful.

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I joined a band! I'm playing with my friend Josh and two of his acquaintances, James and Dan. We've had one practice and it's... interesting? I'm playing bass, which is fine, it's been a while. James sings, which took me a while to get into, but now I like it. Josh is playing drums and he's pretty good. The only thing I don't gel with yet is Dan's guitar playing. Dan seems like a really great guy, but I question his guitar playing. For one, he plays a pretty cruddy guitar which has a weird string arrangement. It's a low E tuned very low so it's flapping around the fret board and the rest of the strings are all high E's tuned as tightly as they can get. It's pretty much noise guitar, he just stomps on a distortion pedal and makes noise. I can take noise all right, but I've never played it really. I'm used to writing with a guitar player and working from there, but it's apparent that it won't be the case this time.

We'll see what happens. I'm just pretty happy to be playing again.

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What is the What

I've been reading this book for a little over a month now. I'm not quite as far as I should be due to school reading engagements and general laziness, but this is a fantastic book. I can tell already the importance of this book, so much so that I have been recommending it to all of my friends and family. My mom is currently reading it and liking it as well.

Then, much to my surprise, I hear that Valentino Achak Deng, the main character/subject of the book is doing a talk in Portland! So I went down to Reading Frenzy, which is a very tiny space, to listen to Valentino speak. The place was packed. People were outside trying to listen. I'm not sure why exactly, but I was extremely overwhelmed by the whole thing. Something about being in that moment just really got to me and now I'm enjoying the book even more. Highly recommended people! Go read it!

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I got my ticket today for the Danielson Family Movie at the Reel Music Film Festival. I'm pretty excited, but I'm worried that it's going to be REALLY preachy. Oh well.

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ALONE.

I'm feeling a little down about this. More than a little I suppose. Coming off of having Emilie in Portland and then immediately being in Columbia around all my best friends, it's pretty difficult to come back and have practically no one. I thought I had this beat, but I guess not.

At first I loved the solitude. It was refreshing and therapeutic. Then Em came and it was great, although it made me spoiled. Living in a new city and having someone who knows you perfectly is great and easy. I don't have to cultivate anything, it's right there. Which explains why I didn't really bother with anyone else really. This was a lot easier and I was guaranteed to have a good time.

Now she's gone and it's a little weird. I thought when I was planning on coming here that I would snatch up a lot of friends at school, and let's face it, it's just not happening. I don't connect with anyone (save a few, who I see from time to time) yet and I don't foresee it happening this term.

And my existing friends here are great, but they are busy, too busy most of the time. And I'm trying to branch out and find new people or attempt to hang out more often with people I already know, but nothing is really shaking yet. The whole experience just makes me feel pretty pathetic. I have an unruly fear of calling people for some reason; I hate to feel as if I'm bothering them, and I know it shows, which makes things awkward. I'm 25! I shouldn't be having this problem, but I guess that's what I get when I uproot and plant again in another state. These things take time, but I fear that I'm becoming pretty weird, socially awkward and undesirable. Too pushy, persistent, and desperate for friendship. Of course most of this is all in my head, but it's definitely stifling. Would I want to hang out with me if I were someone else?

I'm impatient. I'm ready now for something to happen. I'm facing the fact that a lot of people my age don't worry about such things, they have partners, wives, careers, kids, cars, homes, work friends, old buddies that come into town, on and on. I don't have any of that luxury.

Guh. This post is pretty sad. I'm not fishing for compliments or inspiring comments, just venting. I'm facing lonely weekend after lonely weekend and it's just eating me up a bit. I can be self-sufficient. I don't mind eating alone. I don't mind seeing movies or shows alone. I don't mind standing by myself, drinking coffee on the sidewalk alone. I don't mind sleeping alone. It would just be nice to have a change of pace. Because at this pace, things are starting to suck.

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Sorry to be such a downer. I'm just having a shitty weekend. Readjusting and such.

m